“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in the darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” – Hafiz
Insecurity keeps us captive in our lives. The fear of not being enough or what other people think chains us from self-expression and the ability to BE in our lives. Rather than hyper vigilantly assessing how we are perceived by others, there is a cure for this internal prison that keeps us from enjoying our lives and ourselves. The cure takes time and practice, but it is so worth it.
I speak from a deep place here. I have (and still do), suffer from such insecurity that I did not even leave the house. There’s no way to explain it really. Just a deep desire to stay safe, hidden away from the judgments of others. If you don’t do anything, you won’t be judged right? Well, that’s simply not a way to live.
Like many people, I developed from insecure parents and didn’t know any other way to live other than to be afraid of people on some level.
And there are two camps here:
Plays the Game:
They check off all the boxes to convince the world they’ve got it together. They distract others with winning charm or accolades and hope desperately not to be seen too closely.
The F*ck It’s:
They simply unsubscribe from this game of looking good, find their own way to live and typically reject societal norms.
I have been both in my life.
But, you know what? At some point in my own healing and transformation journey, I just wanted to be part of this tribe called humanity. I didn’t want to work hard to convince the world of my worthiness, nor did I want to push against all the rules of society, I just wanted to BE.
I wanted to play, and enjoy others in the world.
So, how do we do this?
What is the CURE for Insecurity?
1. Realize it is a pervasive problem
Most of the people around you are also insecure and no one ever wants anyone to know. We are all faking in that way. And the secrecy and faking is keeping the problem alive. Some insecurity is natural, but faking that you never have it causes it to grow and mutate into a bigger, debilitating problem. And while insecurity is so common in humans, it is not meant to be.
Look at other beings in nature, dogs especially. They are living, experiencing and loving. Our true nature is meant to be like this, which is why insecurity is so friggin painful and uncomfortable. The pain is meant to poke us enough to start to find what feels good instead. To find our way back to our being.
Unfortunately, we don’t heed the pokes and learn to tolerate this discomfort as somehow normal. Tolerating discomfort just keeps us from hearing our wisdom and beginning to move out of pain.
Transforming requires us to feel deeply and consciously in order to get to the other side of the messages coming from our bodies and soul and to heal our shame.
2. Heal your shame
“We are shamed in a relationship, and we need to heal in relationship. SHAME wants to stay alone, hidden, and isolated- but that’s how it stays alive. And keeping shame alive costs you your fully expressed life.” – Brene Brown
Shame is the belief you are wrong, you are not enough. The truth couldn’t be any more opposite! You are a magnificent aspect of nature with imagination and co-creative ability, You are so amazing it’s sometimes too hard for our little left, cognitive, compartmentalizing brain to fathom, You are not broken and you are not the only one suffering, humans are all in this together and SHAME will say otherwise. Shame will say “you’re all alone, you are the only broken, stupid one, hide hide hide, don’t tell anyone you feel this way or they will all leave you”.
Brene Brown skyrocketed in success because she hit the perfect timing speaking about perfectionism becoming exhausting and overwhelming rather than satisfying. People are too tired and the cost of trying to be perfect is too high because it demands everything of our life energy. To heal shame, first, acknowledge that it exists and what it feels like when it affects you. Then, if it is very intense seek a professional to help you heal. Some people have been able to self-educate their way out of shame, but it really is a vulnerable healing experience.
3. Stop seeking some external solution
As a professional guide for people to find their truth and live from their most authentic selves, I see ‘seekers’- people seeking more, a higher path- and have been one for years. We find ourselves on a hedonic treadmill always seeking the next thing: maybe this program? this book? this healer? this modality? What I know for SURE my friends, is the answers are within you.
If you are courageous enough to take such a powerful stand for your wellbeing and defy the socialized lie that you need to buy something to get your needs met, then you will be shocked and amazed by what you discover.
Some practices that help you discover the truth inside you include journaling, contemplation, taking some quiet time where you practice some form of mindfulness, breathing techniques and meditation. These practices give you the opportunity to hear beyond your mind, to the truth of your being. From this place, you will find your personalized instructions on exactly what you need to do to accomplish ANYTHING.
4. STOP comparing
This will also take time and some patience to gently stop comparing yourself to see if you measure up or are fitting in. Compassion here is key and again is a practice. Use sticky notes or reminders on your phone to gently plant new concepts into your day to day existence.
There is negative comparing, where you are beneath the person or less-than, and positive comparing, useful information to self-improvement that is on par with the other person, you don’t feel less than you feel motivated.
5. Practice reversing your low self-esteem
Start to break out and do little things differently. This seems kinda like saying “just stop it” but what I mean here is everything can be trained. I don’t always prescribe this popular “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality, but when it comes to retraining yourself, the concept does apply.
Ask yourself: How would someone who loves themselves act right now? Look out for role models who exhibit high self-esteem and watch them in awe as they simply live without much regard for how they’re perceived. You learned how to walk at some point and practised and tried again and again until it was second nature. The same thing can happen with your self-esteem.
Practical Exercises to do to strengthen your Self Esteem Muscles in order to balance your inner security and ward off excessive shame:
Evidence Book- keep a log of all that DOES go well, and when you really win in life.
Become your own advocate- train the voice in your head to be an ally not a gremlin.
Reminders on Phone OR Post-Its (or both)- remind yourself how amazing you are al the time. Also remind things like breathe, take a walk, find something funny, connect to a friend/loved one, be present…